Dry shampoo anyone?

This is how I imagine a new book by Heidi Montag on the steps to becoming a tabloid fixture will sound:

1) Undergo 10 plastic surgery procedures in one day in spite of being 23-years-old 2) Say it was a spiritual experience and preach about inner beauty 3) Make it dramatic by unveiling your new look in the press. The trashier the mag, the better. Extra points for saying you almost died and by linking your ordeal to someone famous (dead celebrities like Michael Jackson are fair game).

Scratch that. Instead of writing a whole new book, she can just update the fame whore bible (How To Be Famous…) she co-authored.

The sad thing is that Heidi used to be both fun and human-looking. She had an innocent, head-in-the-clouds appeal in season 1 of The Hills and though Lauren Conrad was supposed to be the main protagonist, she was too serious and too dull compared to her carefree housemate.  

A clear change is visible in Heidi once she begins to date Spencer Pratt. From season 2, there is a steady decline in likeability correlated with being associated with that complete and total a-hole. It was as if the magnetic, spunky girl persona was shelved in lieu of the commonplace, Hollywood blonde bimbo role; the scheduled viewing had resumed and it was worse than Battlefield Earth.

Nowadays, Heidi Montag can be seen on Extra, on People magazine and on Demerol. She does not seem to pursue any sort of knowledge or enlightenment beyond the pseudo-knowledge of Cosmopolitan magazine articles. Although even her self-stated “Jay Leno chin” has been shaved off, I doubt that she or the plastic surgeon helping to fuel her delusions will think twice about more enhancements.

Sadly for Heidi, smarter vanguards of fame whoring, such as Paris Hilton, realise that there needs to be a limit to what we do to achieve our dreams. Yes, star in the reality shows and sex tapes but do it on your terms without losing all sense of your identity or the real world. Nobody with two working ears will buy Superficial, but Stars Are Blind wasn’t half bad.

At least Heidi Montag did inspire one great piece of work in her lifetime. God bless you, LisaNova.